Beating Up

I have found in my thoughts lately that I worry too much and beat myself up. Whether it is not doing enough in my parenting or schooling or housework or ministry. It can be overwhelming. I feel that I genuinely try but so many times feel the failure. I will let my thoughts get to me before I even realize it. Taking thoughts captive can be a challenge. I've realized that self talk or enemy talk can be upon me so fast and have me down before I even know it. I don't feel that I live my life with a lot of regrets but I think that is the thing I fear the most....regretting. I don't want to regret how I raised my children or treated my husband or how my kids turn out or the ministry I am involved in. I want to see fruit like I feel I should see it. I want so bad for my kids to be passionate about the Lord but I have seen other faithful parents whose children didn't choose that road. I have fears. I am not in control. Nor do I really want to be but it seems that sometimes I wish I were. It seems that my actions look like I have the illusion of having some semblance of control. It is almost a relief for me to realized I don't and that He does. It is also a thing I fear. I know He loves me and realizes all I can handle but I wrestle there. I wish I didn't. I don't want to feel beat up daily. I am praying that He will help me with this battle of the mind and choosing to see the good He has done in me and allow Him to deal with the struggles and future. I need to rest there. I hope I will. But, really, the point I have to come to is that it is not about me and my wants, rather His purpose. His purpose scares me, I can't be perfect in it and I feel that means failure. But He knew that didn't He? It is more of a process of trusting....which I also have issues with. Wow, still so much growing to do. Growth, that is a process I can relate to.