Okay, I have always thought it might be fun to be a "Dear Abby" columnist or talk personality. So, wanna make my dreams reality? Sure ya do! L
Think of a good question, maybe one you have or someone else has had and submit it in my comments. If you don't want people to know it is you, feel free to submit anonymously.
These can be silly or serious questions (just not lude or inappropriate for this blog)
I think I'll make up a name for myself...you can give ideas on that as well! I've always loved the name Victoria, so for now, you can call me
Dear Tori!
27 comments:
Dear Tori,
I am addicted to blogging. I try to stay away from the computer, but it keeps sucking me back into it's diabolical web. I can't leave it alone.
So, can you recommend any good videos to put on for my kids so I can continue my habit?
I already ask you all the questions I can come up with, but if I think of another one, you will be my first source for information. :o) On a serious note, though, I couldn't have asked God for a better friend than what He gave me in you. No other person in this world has loved or known me like you. I am ever greatful.
I can't go to bed before three in the morning....I mean 2:37 in the morning. Can you help??
Dear Addicted to blogging,
Thanks for writing in! First I want to say it may be time to join the local BA(bloggers Anonymous) to peel your fingers off the keyboard.
In the mean time, I would suggest Veggietales...at least there is some character being taught and a Bible point.L
Tori
BF1976 - Thank you for that love! I am so thankful He gave me you as well!! LOVE you!
Dear Can't Go To Bed,
I would suggest a strict schedule of NO CAFFEINE after 4:00pm, get comfy in your pj's around 8pm and find a good book to read. Sleep will come. ;)
Tori
Dear Tori,
I have a wife who must be having an affair -- she is staying up late after I'm in bed -- always sending little "cutesy" messages to people -- my kids and I don't seem to know her like we used to --all this with, with, a COMPUTER!!! Can you give me some attention, I mean help??? This information is really for a friend of mine anyway...
Signed, an Anonymous ValiantDad.
Dear Having an affair,
Thanks for sending your question. It sounds like your wife or "friends wife" is in need of a LOT of prayer. I would also suggest wooing her back. This might involve a date night starting off with roses, going to do some things you both really enjoy, writing her love letters, then a gentle loving confrontation. Be sure to let her know you still love her and want to work this out. (Oh! in the pampering phase, you might add massage, new wardrobe, lavish trips, and pretty much extravagant gifts.)
Tori
VaiiantDad you are freakin' hilarious. I promise I have NOTHING to do with any late nights. I am 100% innocent, or at least like 34%. :o)
Bttrfly1976,
YOU are hilarious and I have loved all your comments here. I had my ideas about your identity so I just went to your blog and I was right! I can't wait to read more of it. No way are you 30!
Valiant Dad-
LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!
You haven't been talking to my husband have you???
Dear Tori,
I--can't--stop--laughing. Help me!
Dear Tori,
I'm addicted to blogging and have no desire, zippo, nada, to be set free from said addiction. Offer no counsel here. However, when I blog, the deeper disturbed recesses of my mind spill out on to my screen completely out of my control. Some have said people knowing this about you is freeing, and you don't have to pose, blah, blah, blah! They haven't read what I've posted. When I awake in the morning after a posting bender, I'm aghast at what I've written...my wife thinks I'm agassed all the time...there! see, did it again, can't control it! I'm on a church staff...Ok, so it is Rivendell and we're all kind of freaky, and I am a musician...but still, a minister! Please help me.
Sincerely,
toomuchinformation blogger
P.S. I used the word bender above, and of course as it is generally referring to certain beverages, you know that I'm cognizant of such language because my "friend", has told me of his experience "bending". Of Course. Yep. Oh no, here we go again...
Dear can't stop laughing,
Yes, I can see your dilema, this can be very contagious. My advice would be go chop an onion.
Tori
Dear too much information blogger,
My advice would be one of two things A. do a draft then wait to edit/publish until morning or B.Don't beat yourself up about it, just let it rip.
Tori
Look at me going to bed at 1:30, how can I thank you for your help! Now I know what your thinking....just remember, baby steps. I'll get there. LOL
LUV YA
Dear Serious Questions,
Okay, I have to be serious on this one. I must admit that I have had series of these questions over the years. First, let me say that Communication and Prayer is key in working on any marital struggle. I also want to say, that anytime there is a struggle of a sexual nature it usually reflects problems in others areas of the marriage just being reflected in the sex life.
Marriage is all about giving to each other. Women are usually more emotional beings. If our loving emotional tanks are not filled, it is more difficult to give physically. With men, it is usually the other way around, if physical tank not filled harder to give emotionally.
However, God specifically calls us to love each other with a self-less love...like He loved the church. I also recognize that sometimes if there has been sexual trama in either that has not been dealt with, it can make this process even harder until dealt with.
"Let's say a wife isn't always in the mood to have sex with her husband.
1. Should she do it just because she knows she is fulfilling his needs?"
There are times a wife should. I do not think this should Not be a "have to" but a pleasure. I have had times when originally I wasn't at the same place so I prayed and asked God to help me feel loving and not irritated. You know what? He did help me! So, sometimes it is about putting aside our wants to love on our spouse at their needs.
"2. How often should a married couple have sex, in your opinion?
3. How much is asking too much of the wife if she isn't "up to it"?"
As far as the how many question, I know you would really like me to give a number. It would be so much easier to meet quota and then not have guilt. However, I think these numbers are different for each couple. I think it would be good to sit down with spouse (not during one of these times) and talk about what both of your needs are. I believe I did see a statistic of an average being 2-3 times a week.
"4. Would it be wrong for him to make use of masturbation in the interim?
5. Is it wrong for either of them to masturbate?"
Good questions. I have heard both sides of the debate. God does not specifically address this issue. However, masturbation usually involves thoughts....which to me does seem to be in the lust department.
I do want to say though, that there is a thing called sex addiction. If you feel it is truly an out of normal amount and you both seem frustrated alot, it would be worth it to seek out a christian counselor to help work through these issues.
I would encourage you to go to God about it. Get a pencil, paper, Bible and be still and quiet for 5 minutes just listening to His response...whatever comes to mind write it down. (Be sure it compares with who He is and what He says in scripture so as not to be misled) I know 5 min. doesn't sound long but keeping still and really listening only for that time can be difficult. After a time, though, of doing this you begin to long for much more.
Don't know if this answers your questions but I hope it helps!
A book I would also recomend by Elisabeth George "A Woman After God's Own Heart".
From the Husband--
Dear Tori,
I know a guy who really needs to learn how to enjoy silliness once in a while. How should I advise him?
Dear Needing More Silliness,
I would suggest at Least one slice of silliness a day. How to get it? Some ideas...I've got this friend you need to meet, his name is Larry, he sings some silly songs..., also tickle fests, goofy dancing, telling jokes, playing chase, karoke, impromptu "Make us Laugh Daddy!", loud snorty laughter in a public place to name a few.
If you have someone you think is particulary silly, ask them to be your silliness mentor and give you some pointers! Be sure to take good notes! :) For some reason, I have a strong feeling you can ham it up with the best of them!
Jb - Happy too! Anytime.
Tori,
We've lived here in Small Town, TX for 4 months. A precious young woman in our church has just confided in me that her husband is addicted to pornography. The husband has such a genuine love for the Lord, but has battled the porn issue since before junior high. In fact, his parents encouraged it! He has gotten rid of all printed material, but there is still the internet. The same internet that we all enjoy so much that is theraputic to us (blogging) can also be evil and destructive in the lives of others!
This man is getting up very early in the morning before wife and kids and getting on the internet. Thanks to your sis, I will be getting up early (This is not easy for me - remember when we used to get up at 5:00 to walk and how much I hated it? It's time for me to GROW UP!) and spending that first part of the day in prayer. The Lord reminded me this morning that the time He has told me to get up is the same time my friend gets up to look at porn! I have committed myself to specifically praying for him during that time!
His wife is beginning to grow numb about the marriage and I've been counseling her. I plan to encourage her to get up when he does, go to a different part of the house and pray for him.
Here is what I've committed to do: Spend part of my morning prayer time on my knees praying for him and his addiction. Also, pray that their love for one another will increase.
Tori - what advice to you have for me? for this wife, this couple? Any resources I can recommend to her? J and I will be working with them as a couple - any resources concerning porn?
Thanks! I love you!
Joyful journey,
I'm absolutely certain that Tori will have good things to say here. If you won't be offended by me jumping in, I'd like to tell you a little of my story.
I battled an addiction to pornography for nearly 22 years. It's last avenue was the internet. I carried that addiction into my marriage, and I finally reached a point where I couldn't take it, I wanted to be free. My wife and I dealt with this within the first 6 months of our marriage, it was by the grace of God and the grace of a beautiful wife that our marriage survived.
I have been free of this for over 8 years, although we (as humans) are never totally free from our "idol factory" nature. God continues to reveal deeper and deeper issues that are replacing Him as my God.
The issues here are issues of worship. There are needs he feels are being met by the pornography, that stem from issues in his past, viewpoints on femininity and viewpoints on masculinity, and our own penchant for running from God. His wife needs to understand that this is not about her, although his sin is certainly causing her great pain. The needs he needs met that he perceives are being met by pornography are not needs she is designed to meet. It often feels connected to her because of the sexual nature, but these are deep needs of satisfaction that only God can meet.
He first off needs to want to beat this, needs to want to be free. From there, initially, he will encounter a great deal of hopelessness and the sense of being defeated, because he will want out but he can't do it. As bad as that feels, until you are at that point you have no place to go. And while practical steps, like not being able to sign on to the computer, extensive accountability, are important to help him beat the pornography aspect of it, remember pornography is just the avenue of expression of a deeper heart issue, and he needs to be talking with someone who, along with the Holy Spirit, can uncover these things.
Hope I didn't offend by jumping in, my thoughts and prayers are with you and this couple.
Dear Joyfuljourney counseling another,
This is tough issue and more prevalent today than ever before because of the easy, easy access.
First, I want to thank you Bare Foot Poet, you continue to gain my admiration as you share your honesty and what God has done and is doing in your life! Thanks for that first person input!
I agree with many of the points BFP made. As with any addiction, until the person is completely fed up and really ready for a change, it won't be changed. It sounds like he is still deeply involved with the internet porn. You talked about encouraging her to get up go into another room and pray while he is up in sin. I like the idea of praying for him but not of allowing him to be in the other room scanning while she is up praying. If she was going to get up at the same time I would encourage her to interact with him. However, this might be a very hard thing for her to do and if he wants to find a time without her, he will. Back to the heart issue.
I think she needs to let him know how Much this is affecting them. He may know, but not know the degree. She needs to ask that they both seek christian counseling. She needs an outlet to work through her feelings (which are probably failure as a wife, shamed to have this problem, anger/deep hurt from husb., despair) and she needs to know he is ready to work on his underlying issues. If his desire is really not ready for change she may have to help him see how serious she is, even if that ultimately means a possible temp. separation.
We can pray that when she communicates her concerns and needs that he will turn quickly to aid her and go for help.
I think it is great that you want to be there for her. This is a hard problem to talk to others about so it is good that she feels that freedom with you. It is great that you will be in prayer for them because they need it!
I do have some good resources but at the moment can't remember the titles, I will try to get that posted later.
I don't know if this answers your questions but I hope it helps.
I love you too!
Wow! What courage it took Barefoot Poet to tell the world via internet about his past sins. Isn't it awesome to be set free! Tori, I am surprised by the real things these real people are asking you! Your counsel has been wise and I am impressed! Keep it up! The world is waiting! joyphil413
Resources for dealing with Pornography or those around you addicted.
I have not personally read through all of these books but wanted to give some resources to look over.
Books:
False Intimacy: Understanding the Struggle of sexual Addict. by Harry W. Schaumburg
Author Neil T. Anderson has several.
Every Man's Battle
When Good Men are Tempted by Bill Perkins
An Affair of the Mind by Beverly Lahaye (woman's battle to fight for and salvage her family)
The Silent War: Ministering to those trapped in the deception of Pornography by Henry J. Rogers
A site that has a lot of resources and I think even a support group is www.christiananswers.net.
Escaping the Porn Trap - I think video/cd series.
If anyone else has resources that you know of for this problem feel free to post them in comments!
joyphil - thanks!
This particular post has really been good to read and learn from. Tori, you are doing a fantastic job of answering tough questions and giving wisdom, not just opinions.
Barefootpoet, I will have to say you are as courageous as Sam in being so open and honest. It's always good to see each situation from every angle. Your words may very well help that wife. I will be praying for them too.
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