Over the weekend we had various committments and fun gatherings. When I was at one of these gatherings a discussion came up about a relationship between one of the ladies daughter and a guy(not growing christian) that she was going to prom with. She was telling how she felt she should show love to him with the love of Christ. I was sitting next to a another lady who is very good to voice her opinion and stated her stance "Well, I could love the guy with the love of Christ but not allow him to date my daughter." I really agreed with that statement and although I said nothing the first lady seemed to want to justify all the more...as if trying to convince me she was right.
Later we left to go to another party.
Today I got a call from the lady with the daughter. She was wounded. After I had left the previous day, more discussion ensued about Easter Egg Hunts and those who agreed with it and those who did not. Other things had also been discussed like teenagers dress code and parents lack of following through.
Okay, enough of all the details. Anyway, I am on the phone with this lady who feels hurt and judged. I Listened. I empathized. I realized. She felt judged....and I think I had judged.
There are many times that I feel passionate about something and really want someone to see the truth and see my point of view...especially if I have more experience or if I just feel I'm right and they would benefit from my knowledge. L You know, mentorship.
I do think mentorship is invaluable and we all need to be humble enough to accept it including me. However, is there a difference between mentoring and judging.
My friend said something that hit me hard....she said "I mean, God did give me my children to raise so why do other people have to judge me for it!" I like that statement when it comes to my kids but not so much when it comes to kids whose parents don't seem to care if they are being considerate of other people or not! However, if I think negatively for them am I judging? Am I being honest? What?!
I felt in this instance that I had to admit I had judged. I have not walked in her shoes with her kids and she has kids that are older so I should respect her decision even if I don't agree with it.
So, it is a hard one to resolve. I mainly listened on the phone and encouraged. You know, we mothers already feel like failures in our job a LOT of the time and I think the enemy capitalizes on that. So, I am realizing that I really need to walk a far extra mile to ensure that I love and not judge.
I felt for her today, my friend, and I wished I had not judged.
6 comments:
I think that's a very fine line, and one that we start walking as soon as we decide paci/thumb, cloth/disposable, or even Mom works/doesn't work, etc. I'm fairly dogmatic about somethings about how I raise my children, and I know that they are right for my family. I feel certain that some people have probably felt judged in my presence b/c I am so sure of some things I do with my family -- I wish they would call and tell me they were hurt or wounded like your friend did. Some times I probably am guilty of judging, but I think more frequently I just know what I want for my family. Another friend of mine once said, "There are a million ways to get to the finish line in this parenting job." She's right -- and most of us are doing the best we know how.
I think the mistake here was that the lady who said:
Well, I could love the guy with the love of Christ but not allow him to date my daughter.
SAID IT IN FRONT OF OTHERS. The fact that she said it in front of this lady's pastor's wife is even worse. (OF COURSE the lady who is letting her girl date the lost boy wants you to be impressed with her.) If she feels that she should help shepherd this mother in her parenting skills, a private phone call would have been the approproate venue. YOU couldn't help that you heard the lady's comment and YOU couldn't help that you agreed with it. When the lady blurted out her opinion, it put everyone within earshot in an awkward position.
It's OK to judge if we're willing to be judged by the same standard. (i.e. "Judge not lest you be judged.") You are making a judgement just by having an opinion. What isn't right is to publically humilate someone, which is what Miss Opinionated did.
Man, I know that struggle of judge, and judge not! I have been guilty of it. I think the other two comments here are good wisdom. We shouldn't speak our opinion in front of others with our hearts full of pride.
I think there is a time and place to address something but I also feel the person has to be open to it. It's hard to be on the recieving end of someone telling you they think you're making a mistake, so I do feel for her. But I've definitely learned from good advice, even when it was hard to hear.
We ALL do it. And it's hard not to. But you are right. We need to be lifting one another up and encouraging. I don't think it's advice if it's not solicited. It's rude...though I am guilty of it myself ;-) In other words, if she didn't say, "My daughter's going to the prom with a boy who is not a Christian. WHAT DO YOU THINK?" Then we have to learn to keep our lips zipped.
However, you were kind to not speak your mind, even if you felt you were judging.
I don't think you misjudged. It is sin to become unequally yoked. We as Christians ARE to judge within the church. Too many people think that it should just be "love love love" and no "telling people" when there is something to be said. Wounds of a friend are better than staying silent or flattering. The lady sitting next to you was completely correct in what she told your friend. Yes, God did not give us children to raise so that everyone could MISjudge us. However, it's not about having children. The issue is, what is sin? We are to (even though it is hard and uncomfortable) share the truth with our brothers and sisters in Christ. I know you would want someone to bring you correction if you were completely wrong on an issue, or even unwise, yes? Iron sharpens iron...
Wow, this stuff really bugs me. We are fallen, all of us. Those of us who parent bear a responsibility to raise our kids with our best understanding of what they need based on who they are, not based on who anyone elses kids are. I have people in my life who are mentors, and I listen to what they say, and I value those relationships. Announcing your opinion uninvited is rude and arrogant, not mentoring or speaking the truth. How do we make unabashed pride seem so spiritual?
I guess I'm being tough on the lady appropriately named "Miss Opinionated" but what she did is a reckless, hurtfull substitute for taking the time to really invest in someone's life.
To the anonymous dude or dudette, what the...? Unequally yoked certainly applies to marriage, but to going to a prom? You said the lady was "completely correct" in saying what she said? So you know the heart of God for this mother and her daughter? Too many people want "love, love, love"? Oh, kinda like LOVE the Lord your God, and LOVE your neighbor as yourself. Lets see, what did Jesus call those, oh yeah, the GREATEST commandments. So I guess Jesus is amongst the "too many people" who want that. We are not to speak the truth to each other. We are to speak the truth in love.
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