Confession

I had a comment from a beautiful friend that addressed me as a "good" mommy that prompted me to realize maybe I wasn't showing my vulnerable side. I need to also show the other side of the story. I have had days when my one year old was screaming at the top of her lungs (and let me tell you that was VERY loud) while at the same time my 3 year old boy was asking thousands upon thousands of questions (well at least it felt that way) and all I wanted was a moment of peace. I would put my son in an activity and my daughter in her bed as she wailed and I would run to my bed, put the pillow over my head and cry, because I felt like I just needed quiet and because I wanted quiet and my own time, I felt like a bad Mommy. I felt many times like a failure as a Mom even as I had joys of a Mom. I would talk too abrubt with my kids and wound their heart. I would not listen as they needed or choose my self time over time with them.

At first in motherhood I just thought when I failed that I had failed me, my children and God. In time, God showed me that parenting is a process. He allows me to see my failures with my children so that I become humbled enough to seek His help and He can give it. It is He who can take my failures and turn them into something beautiful. The other part when I allow the enemy to feed me lies or work on my weak thoughts. The enemy knows when I am tired and what things push my triggers. The good part is that I don't have to believe what the enemy throws my way. Whether that is what others think, what I think, feelings etc. I was really freed when I realized that before I just accept what someone else thinks to be truth I need to seek my Heavenly Father and see the Real truth. So many times when I felt stressed or quick tempered with my kids it was because of my feelings of failure or not wanting to fail others. I had to begin to make a conscience choice to rather fail others than wound my kids. I still don't always win this battle but the Lord continues to work on me. Usually the things I get so stressed about are not that big of a deal but rather just what I want when I want it. Selfishness in me is one thing the Lord is constantly working to flush out.

Busyness is another thing that gets in the way of wonderful times with family. When I don't have tons of activities or commitments I slow down and then enjoy the moments so much more. There will always be important things in life to do but the season with my kids is so short. I want to enjoy it and cherish it. Therefore, I limit activities even if they seem good, I feel God wants me to invest in my kids in the short time I have rather than invest in everything else. I even used to run errands several days of the week and finally learned that that also interrupted our relaxing days. So, I have tried to limit running around to one day. I have to be careful because I can easily overcommit so I take time to really think about committments before accepting them. Even if it is just one night in the month it can take away. So, even if people look at me weird or think I am over possessive or not helping enough, I have to look to my Father and seek His desire for me at this season in my life.

Another thing that allowed me to get stressed which then affected my family was keeping up with the Jones'. I think the biggest area of this for me was with homeschooling. I would think that I needed to do just what someone else did or I was jipping my kids of what they needed. I would run here and there trying to change and fix and workout. Finally, God showed me that He knew what was best for my kids. He knew their hearts and their futures and the most important thing to Him was that they know HIM. Studying His word, seeking Him in prayer etc. Knowledge is good but Knowledge without wisdom (Wisdom-knowing and doing good) is nothing. This was life changing for our schooling. I still feel panicky at times when people start drilling my kids or asking me what I'm doing, because the world's opinion is not the gage for my kids education...God's direction is. Sometimes I can rest there and other times I wrestle there. But when I go to the throne of God I find peace.

School, parenting, life should be peaceful in Christ not hurried, racing aimlessly. I think a great example the Lord showed me was with my kids. When my son was little and my first child everything is a big deal. He wasn't walking when everyone else was and I felt a little pressure. I tried to get him to but the time wasn't right. I felt nervous when people would ask and be surprised that he wasn't walking yet. I got unsolicited advice (which I heard as criticism). Then, when the time was right he walked without any problems. Did I need to worry and fret? Did I need to worry with what people thought? Does it really matter now WHEN he started walking or is it just great that he learned? The same thing with learning to ride a bike. He was later than some of his friends and family. At this point I didn't worry as much and sure enough, when the time was right he caught on in a day. The point is not to rush but to allow the timing to be right. To allow God to direct to what time and season all things should be done. I still struggle in learning this and many other things but I am thankful that it is a process and not one of us knows everything at the beginning but all of us can learn from the Lord.

In my closing confessions, I am a Mom like any other and if you see any good in me I can only praise God who is the good in my life.