I don't know if you have ever heard of Marilyn Howshall's Lifestyle of Learning. It is SO great! I have read her book Wisdoms Way Of Learning, I had the old one and it was thick but so juicy! I saw this article and it is pretty Long but well worth the read! It will inspire and relieve you. If you do not know much about the approach and want more info. her site is
www.lifestyleoflearning.org.
Liberate Your Personal Growth Potential
The first season is a time to challenge your soul to understand the two-fold nature of education—individual scholarship and discipleship—leading to change for yourself that results in growth and change for your whole family. In Conversations with ‘Beth’ Marilyn discusses in detail the first season of growth and change, addressing common concerns of busy mothers. In this fictional narrative, uniquely conducive to the mentoring process Marilyn desires for the reader, you are led into revelation of your personal need for continuing your education at home through both individual scholarship and individual discipleship. Marilyn also helps you to get organized in a minimum routine of disciplines so you will be making progress with your children while at the same time making room for self-education.
It had been a week of regrouping, rest, fellowship, and fun with my family after the long weekend meeting. My family had so much to share with me about the goings-on of our life while I was gone. They were always excited to have me home, and the first full day back we usually went together to a favorite restaurant where we stayed as long as we could just visiting and catching up. I loved those times, and looked forward to not thinking about anything except for family life.
The next couple of days would be spent catching up on the most important aspects of our ministry’s routine business. And after that my family knew I needed time to simply process with the Lord. This usually meant doing errands alone so I could think my own thoughts until I felt like resurfacing into my regular routine the following week. It was the perfect week to meet with Beth. I knew our conversation would serve to bring additional closure for me before having to put the recent meeting behind.
I met Beth at the meeting. I had noticed her eyes well up with tears several times during the first day. I saw her in the hallway early in the afternoon and stopped to chat with her and then a couple of more times throughout the meeting. When I learned that she lived near me, I offered to get together with her after the meeting in the weeks ahead to help her understand how to walk through the season-by-season process of change. This visit would be to discuss the first season Liberate Your Personal Growth Potential. I knew Beth was challenged to make changes in how she was educating her children, but that she was also feeling a bit overwhelmed about how to begin. I prayed this would be a breakthrough time for her.
As I approached the restaurant where I would be meeting Beth, I looked forward to my time with her. I knew she believed we were mostly getting together for her benefit, but I also knew the dynamics of a two-way conversation would give me an opportunity to fine-tune my message, something I always wanted to improve. I pulled into the parking lot and spotted Beth getting out of her car just a little ahead of me. Wonderful timing, I thought. We would have a chance to hug and greet each other before being seated in the restaurant. I hoped she was feeling more at peace this week.
“Marilyn, it’s good to see you, I’m so grateful for this opportunity to get together. I’ve felt different this week, but not actually sure why.” Beth looked refreshed.
“Hi, Beth, so good to see you too, and it’s an opportunity for me too. I enjoy a two-way communication, especially after having ‘monologued’ for two days.” We entered the restaurant chatting about our prior dining experiences there. Once the waiter took our order, I sensed that Beth was eager to launch in. I was relieved that our waiter was not one who insisted on impressing us with his personality. He was obviously focused on quietly serving us, which enabled us to visit without much distraction.
Beth began, “I’ve had so much to think about this week; in fact it’s been sobering, but at the same time I’ve felt a certain release too. That’s probably why I feel different, even though everything in my life seems the same and I still have so much confusion about what I’m doing. It’s just that I feel relieved somehow. I know I’m on the threshold of change and that things will never be the same again. I feel more firmly set on a particular path and I know there’s no turning back. You were right when you said that things would begin to make more sense in time. I still have so many questions, but I’m actually beginning to get a few answers too so I feel encouraged.”
I asked her, “What are some of the things you see more clearly now?”
“Well, they’re mostly fragments here and there. I’m still hoping that you’ll be able to help me pull it all together. I know that my children have been unhappy with their school studies. I know that our relationships are not what they should be. I know that our family life is not producing the satisfaction I had hoped it would, and I know that I don’t experience much fruit for all the hard work I do.”
“You’ve got that down pat,” I said, smiling, “But did you notice that what you’re seeing reflects only that which is not right? Have you thought about how you could begin turning these areas around? Unless you can develop a well defined direction for the vision you’re beginning to acquire for your family, you will stay stuck in this place.”
“I realize I’m suppose to pay more attention to my children’s heart conditions. I know I need to develop my own relationship with the Lord taking it to a level it’s never been. I acknowledge that my life is going in too many directions and that I have to reign it in somehow. And the scary part is that I understand I have to change the way I’m educating my children. But this is where I get confused, I don’t really feel confident in any other way. I haven’t the foggiest idea where to begin. I’ve been wandering in my mind all week trying to find a place to anchor my thoughts in a specific direction. I heard what you said about the seven seasons. But it seems that the children’s needs are pushed way down toward the end of the seasons. I keep wanting to bring theirs up to the number one spot and ignore my own process altogether. I can’t reconcile what I feel I’m suppose to be doing for them with what appears to be doing nothing for them while spending time and attention on me. Do you know what I’m saying?”
“Yes, I do, Beth. Maybe I can help you sort it out. First let me review the first season with you. I brought a summary sheet you can take home with you. It’s brief enough to read right now before we continue our discussion.”
A Season-by-Season Process to Release Growth and Change into Your Life
Summary of the First Season:
Primary Focus: It's About You!Activities: Liberate your personal growth potential.Develop your personal reading program. Collect notes. Surrender your life, your familyís education, and its direction to Godís wisdom. Pay attention to personal heart matters. Lessons: Relationship, and Self-Government. Your lessons will give you understanding about the two-fold nature of education: individual scholarship and discipleship.
“Remember that the first season is for you to liberate your personal growth potential. If you embrace personal self-education through individual scholarship and individual discipleship, you’ll learn the true nature of these two vital areas of life. Why do you think that’s important?”
“Well, I must admit that I really don’t know. Mentally, I understand as you said at the meeting that we must renew our minds if we want to walk in something new.”
New Experiences Needed
“That’s right, a renewal of the mind is so vital to changing our subconscious because that is the place out of which much of our lives is conducted; where things seem like second nature to us. We don’t have to think about them so much, as they just come naturally to us.”
“I never thought of it like that before, but I see what you’re saying. Most of the things I do for my children are things I grew up in, they are a part of me, my subconscious as you say, and so they come naturally.”
“You just said that you really didn’t know what else to do for your children other than what you had been doing all along. The reason is that you can only provide for others based upon your collective experiences. Your experiences give you the understanding for how to proceed with similar requirements later in life. Your prior experience of education is all you know how to provide for your children now. How will you be able to provide a different learning process altogether if you haven’t experienced it first for yourself? Your understanding of what needs to be done cannot be superficially based upon theory that you gained from someone’s teaching like you got from me at the meeting. The theory must be practically outworked in your own life so it becomes a part of you. Then you will have new experiences of education that will serve to shape what you do for your children. You will feel confident in your new experiences just as you felt confident in the old. This means that whatever new plans you set in place for your children will be born out of confidence and assurance, instead of the fear, uncertainty, and even confusion that you’ re experiencing now.”
“I see what you’re saying, I can only implement new ideas that I’ve fully experienced myself, otherwise I’ll remain stuck in the old—but comfortable—mode of providing education for my children. I need new experiences that begin with me so the things I do for my children will be like second nature to me.”
“Yes, you’re getting it, Beth. You need to experience the power of self-education—how it can change you—so you’ll free your children to become self-learners.”
“But it seems so hard to do. I don’t have the time to become re-educated and to learn new things.”
The ‘Hidden’ Nature of Self-Education
“That’s how I thought you were viewing it. Let me help you recognize something about where you are right now in your process. Do you realize that for the last few months you have already been walking in the first season? You’ve been reading my messages and attended a meeting where you were ‘marathoned’ in a lot of new information. You’ve been doing a lot of ‘background processing’—in a word, meditating—as you go about your household duties. You have been making your heart available for the Lord to speak to you about the need for change. Already, to a certain extent, you understand the true nature of education even if only subconsciously.”
“You’re right!” exclaimed Beth as she sat up straighter at this realization. “I hadn’t even thought of it like that. I knew I was reading, and learning new concepts, thinking a lot more about my family life, and experiencing conviction for a new direction altogether. I guess I just didn’t think of it as my education.”
“Most people don’t see the almost hidden nature of an education and discipleship process as it takes place within the context of real life. That’s the simplicity of a lifestyle of learning. It almost seems too simple and natural, too unstructured and unplanned, and so it goes invalidated. And yet, you must admit that you are raising your line of vision to include more of what God might want to do in your life. And you’re doing that out of the natural outflow that results from increasing your exposure to new ideas and allowing yourself to experience conviction toward change.”
Increasing Exposure to New Ideas
“Yes, I see it too. My desires have been growing ever since I was exposed to new ideas through your messages. I know I’ll never again be satisfied with the status quo. I really want to turn things around. I want a healthy path for our family. My husband wants it too. At times he seems to understand a lot of what you teach better than I do.”
“Then,” I answered, “Why not discuss the seven seasons with him and come into agreement about how you will proceed from here? I’m certain that if both of you can see where you are headed, you’ll be more likely to relinquish prior expectations and become more focused on the needs of the current season.”
“I really want to do that, but how can I just ignore the needs of my children while I engage in the first few seasons, getting my life and home in order? I know it sounds silly, but it seems I need to place them in a time warp or something so they don’t do any more growing until I’m ready for them.”
A Primary Focus for Each Season
I chuckled as I remembered my own early fears of feeling the very same way. “There’s a misconception I’m picking up from what you just said. Having a primary focus in each season does not mean it is the only thing you do. ‘Primary’ is used to denote the probability of one or more secondary focuses. It’s just that you’ll become more enlightened in only one area at a time. You will be doing something—even if it is only minimal and unenlightened—in all areas of your responsibilities toward your children while making a more concentrated effort toward change on one primary area of need so you can achieve a measure of progress. You will never be ignoring your children or putting them on hold, not if you listen to what God tells you is truly vital for the season you’re in. You will always have time to provide for your children’s true and current needs no matter what area you are focused toward making changes.
Many moms think their primary concern at all times is toward the academic aspect of education. They become overwhelmed just thinking about how to get it all set in place in time to ‘do school’ by a certain date, for they dare not miss a day of the traditional school schedule. They begin to view their household duties as getting in the way of what they think they’re suppose to be doing with their children. They couldn’t be more wrong. In such homes, family life suffers, household responsibilities suffer, the family diet suffers, and above all relationships suffer, and all for the sake of academics.
The truth is that real life must become a healthier foundation on which to build your family’s learning process. In fact, your regular household duties are a perfect stage for your children’s training in every important area of development. You will be adding new disciplines into your lifestyle over the course of the next year, possibly a new one every few weeks or so. You will want to fit them around a solid base of home-centered responsibility that is made up of the ‘stuff’ of real life. An important guideline to remember is ‘first things first.’ Any serious mother and homemaker knows what that means. Real life has a way of ordering our priorities for us at times.
Let’s say you are in the first season of liberating your personal growth potential. We already know this means you will be engaged in a reading and note-taking program. While this is a primary focus for personal change, obviously it’s not all you’ll be doing. You have many responsibilities that require attention. Here is an illustration of what this first season could look like.
‘Get Up Before the Children’
You’d be amazed at how many moms get their day off to a bad start just by neglecting their own needs. Plan a regular time for arising in the morning before your children so you can be prepared for your day. The feeling that the day ‘has gotten away’ usually lasts all day and can make you feel weighed down and overwhelmed.
‘Meal Planning Routine’
Establish a weekly meal planning day so your kitchen duties and grocery shopping is efficient and less worrisome. The end of the week is good for this so that your grocery shopping and meal planning is ready for a strong start on Monday. You want the basics of life to be running smoothly before you begin adding more disciplines to your daily routine. It’s important to not allow a well-running household to be sacrificed for the sake of academics. If you do you will become deeply dissatisfied as a wife and mother. This would not be in God’s will for you.
‘Organize Household’
Next, make certain you spend a month or so getting your physical household in order. Suggestions would be to organize cupboards, closets, and all your stuff. Try to eliminate clutter. Organize your outside-the-home activities too. You will be learning more about this in the third season in the book, Come Home from Homeschool, but for now just try to pare back to a minimum to give you time to take care of more important training objectives at home.
‘Routine Chores’
Practice getting household chores done in the mornings, drawing your children into helping as much as possible. Make it a goal to accomplish tasks with peaceful hearts, beginning with your own! Help your children to obey quickly, and without complaint toward instructions. You are training them to become self-motivated workers. And don’t leave them out of these important activities for the sake of getting them through academic lessons while you do chores. This would waste a perfectly good opportunity to teach them household management and life skills. Some moms have their children sitting in front of a video program from an early hour everyday as though they were going to school. And they may as well be for they are just as cut off from real life as if they weren’t even at home.
‘Routine Errands’
Practice becoming more efficient with any necessary errands, combining them into one day a week if possible. This will free up more time for afternoon productive time for both you and your children. You will likely do some personal reading during children’s rest and play times.
‘Family Reading-Aloud Time’
Reading aloud to your children is probably the next best discipline to add to your routine. It is a natural platform for teaching your children truths that would not normally surface on a regular basis, but that will open the door for rich discussions between you. Reading together is really the best way to teach subjects like Bible and history. Instead of textbooks you can read fun and interesting historical biographies. If you are not accustomed to this habit then it might help to anchor it to lunchtime or another activity that occurs on a regular basis. This activity can become one of the most rewarding you engage in with your children, and a precious memory-maker of your days together.
‘Productive Free-Time’
Once you are somewhat consistent with household duties and reading times, you can begin taking a look at the quality of your children’s afternoon free-time activities. This block of time is essential for training your children in their individual learning processes. Help them to choose valuable activities each day within the context of a prescribed block of free time, usually afternoons. The reading material for the fourth season, Develop a Lifestyle Routine, will help you understand the work that needs to be done in order to shape your children’s character and develop their learning abilities.
I paused and asked, “How does this sound so far, Beth?”
“Well, it all sounds necessary. I can see where I could make a few improvements in how I manage my household. I guess I’m wondering when you’re going to get to the academic part.” Then she apologetically admitted, “I know I’m really consumed with the need to understand how it all fits together.”
“Oh, I’m not leaving out academics. In fact, it’s next. However, my suggestions won’t look the way you’re accustomed to seeing them approached.
‘Table-Time’
Table-time is reserved for learning activities that require a pencil and mom’s consistent instruction. I don’t believe this block of time in your day is the most important. But I know it is of the utmost concern to you when your mind is unrenewed about education and how children develop, and I do agree that it comprises an important group of disciplines for your children when proper wisdom is applied. If you are anchored in a flexible table-time routine that will advance your children’s skills in reading, writing, and math you will feel like you are making some progress. However, if you plan an entire academic agenda for each of your children, you will begin or continue to burn out and be unable to meet its demands.”
Beth interjected, “Table-time as you call it has never been a fun time for us. I’ve tried to make our school studies fun, but the children have a hard time paying attention, and there’s always some form of bickering going on. The little ones are always interrupting and I feel like I could spend all day and still get very little accomplished.”
I knew this was the case with Beth and many other moms too. I answered, “If there is a need to gain control over your children’s behavior then you will want to minimize or even delay table-time disciplines for a season. The reason being that strife or conflict in the home caused by undisciplined children will rob you of precious time. You actually will not have as much time for productivity (getting ahead) as you would if your children were disciplined and obedient. So feel free for a season to make it your goal to get your children under Spirit-control (as opposed to carnal control), and allow your expectations about table-time requirements to rest for a while. Don’t worry about them getting ‘behind’ as this is just a myth based upon society’s standards for education.”
“But how do I not feel behind if I don’t do as much or, as you suggest, any of the academics for a season?”
“Beth, you must remember that you are trying to achieve far more than mere academic learning and must coordinate all areas of life so wholeness can develop in your family. You want a complete education for them, and not just a superficial one. You’ll be amazed at how fast children learn things when they are truly ready for a new skill or discipline, and especially when they’re happy. There is a lot to be said for character development being the foundation of any true education.
Just try it for a few weeks and see. You can pay more attention to your children’s true needs. Teach them to listen more attentively to your instruction while doing chores. Have them respond more quietly to you and to each other, while at the same time they learn to obey quickly. All this and more ought to be accomplished in them while doing regular household chores and activities before you ever sit them down to do table-time; a time when you need as much order as possible to accomplish tasks that require concentration.”
I paused to let that sink in, and I could tell that Beth was accepting the suggestions as needing attention in her family. So I continued.
“Then when you feel ready to begin some table-time disciplines, all you really need is a minimal amount of activity on which to build slowly over time. You do not want to launch into a full-scale program for all your children like you’ve been doing. You will need to strip back your requirements to a bare minimum for each child. Here’s my suggestion: 15 minutes up through ages 8-10 or12; 30 minutes between ages 10 or 12-14; 1 to 2 hours as needed for ages 14 and up.” I knew this would be a stumbling block to Beth and noticed her begin to tense up. I paused, awaiting her response.
She said, “That sounds like so little. What can we possibly accomplish in only 15-30 minutes a day?”
“Remember this is just a starting place to get your life on solid ground. You’d be amazed at just how much if you approach it correctly. I’ll show you how in just a moment, but first I want you to remember again that your focus is not on the academics so much as it is on training your children. The academics or table-time is more like a stage upon which the real education of your children—their training—is taking place. You must expect them to mature spiritually as they are being trained. As they do, you will be able to increase their time spent on academic disciplines.”
Beth seemed to be more settled so I went on, “Now let me show you how to decide what to include in your precious 15-30 minutes of table-time. Begin to walk by the Spirit (applying wisdom), making a true evaluation of the one thing your oldest child needs right now. Choose one or two skills to focus on at a time. Only add a new discipline to this child’s requirements when you feel ‘on top of’ the first one or two. In other words, when the first activity becomes a natural part of everyday routine then add the next. This means that the new disciplines have become a part of your life even in your weak periods, thus having withstood a few fluctuations of consistency. Now is the time to add a new discipline. You will not burn out this way and you will see much more progress because it’s doable and you will actually accomplish your objective. Do you see how this could work?”
“If I’m understanding your meaning, then instead of having my oldest do math, reading, writing, and history all at the same time, I have to decide which one is the most important for him to do right now.”
I answered, “Exactly, I can guarantee he really doesn’t have a need in all those subjects in the same way right now. Just begin to examine what you know to be his true need. For instance, if he’s not fluent in reading then too much writing would be a burden, and work in his math book a frustrating experience. It would take him way too long to read the instructions and any word problems. If he’s not fluent in penmanship then expecting him to do a lot of written work except for copy work practice would be unreasonable right now. Can you see that this would produce a high level of frustration in him?”
Beth sighed and said, “I knew he was having a hard time with math, but I believed I was suppose to be making him do his grade level and that somehow the reading would just kick in. In the meantime I end up doing much of the work for him.” She slid down in her seat and shook her head as she realized what she’d been doing.
“It’s all right, Beth. You’re not the only one who has approached the academic disciplines this way. Most moms have unrealistic expectations of their children. It stems from the way the school system operates. Can you see now that developing reading skills might be your objective for him right now and that the discipline for table-time might be limited to copy work for a season so he can become more fluent in his reading and writing? You can add the math later when he is more ready for it. But for the time being he could keep up his facts by using flash cards.”
She nodded and I went on, “You must get to know your children by paying closer attention to their responses instead of just assuming you are suppose to be doing things a certain way. I promise that you will be able to discern each of your child’s true and current needs if you pay more attention to their responses and actual abilities.
Once you know what you’re doing with your oldest child and the routine is actually set in place then you can add a requirement for the second child. Continue to progress down the line of your children from the oldest to the youngest in the same manner, initiating and setting in place one activity at a time for one child at a time. Expect this to take awhile, maybe even a few weeks. It really depends on how well it goes, and I’m sure you’ll have to do a little experimenting.
You will want to continue to develop this pattern applying it throughout the years each time you embark on a fresh season of routine, like after a long summer or holiday break. Your children will be happier and you will have the time to focus on all the child training opportunities that present themselves throughout the day. You will follow this guideline if achieving and maintaining a spirit of peace and harmony and low-level stress in your home is important to you. And I know that by now you are realizing more deeply just how important that is.”
I was glad to notice Beth’s countenance begin to lift as she understood the process of initiating academic disciplines. She asked, “Am I right to assume that the reason for such a brief period of table-time is so I have the needed time to address the character issues that arise?”
“Wonderful, Beth. That’s a bulls-eye! When you plan too much of an academic program there’s not enough time to address other important issues and all you feel is pressure to meet the demands of the program you’ve planned. You feel like a failure unless you accomplish it all. The trick is to only plan what’s truly reasonable so child training doesn’t get shoved aside.”
Learn to listen to your spirit for there is Life there; the Lord is speaking to you! In fact let me point out a scriptural truth in what I just said. In Romans 8:1 the Lord says that ‘There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.’ Feelings of guilt and condemnation—like you might experience when you can’t meet the demands of your program—are present because you probably initiated your plans by the flesh to begin with. The Scripture says that you are supposed to feel that way! The law cannot be met, Beth, even the ‘law’ we set up for ourselves in an unrealistic program. If you can’t do it all, you feel like a failure, right?”
She brightened with understanding and said, “I barely remember a time when I didn’t feel like that. You’re right, if the Scripture is true, then I’m not suppose to feel guilty, as though I’m not doing enough, if I’m really walking by the Spirit in God’s will.”
“Beth, I’m so looking forward to when you experience this for yourself. It will happen, sweetheart, and you’ll know without a doubt that you’re in God’s will and nothing will be able to convince you otherwise. You’ll experience such peace in your soul.”
I could see that she was laying hold of these truths and wanted to understand more. She went back to our original topic of discussion with a question, “I’m understanding that table-time is only for skills requiring a pencil, like copy work that improves reading and handwriting skills, math, and composition. What about history and science?”
Simplify Academic Requirements
“They’re probably the easiest subjects to change in the way you approach them. A good rule of thumb for academic requirements is to remember that if a discipline does not fit into your schedule right now, and you have tried everything to make it fit then begin to evaluate its necessity for the time being. In some cases all you need to do is change the form the subject or activity is taking. An example is the full-blown unit-study project used to teach a period of history. This can become a simplified and more enjoyable reading-aloud-time with your children. The two activities create very different burdens—one heavy and the other light—and produce entirely different fruit. The same goes for the traditional hour of math each day when 15-30 minutes will do just fine; or dictating a spelling program when simple copy work from the Bible for a season will help the child maintain a little progress in his skills. There are many ways to simplify your requirements. Science is just real life all around. Your children learn so much just in their playtime and if you begin to validate their playtime projects you’ll learn how to encourage and direct their learning processes in every subject area. Begin to look at each need and ask the Lord for creative alternatives.”
“Yes, I can see that I’ve been very uncreative and just plain boring with how we’ve done academics. I thought, well you know what I thought. It doesn’t matter anymore. I can see that ‘school’ could be a lot more fun with less pressure and still get the job done. I’m sure my children would like it better and I would too.”
Home-Centered Lifestyle and Extra-Curricular Activities
“Now let me switch topics here and address your lifestyle a bit. The more you stay home, the more you will accomplish the important goals of shaping godly family values, training your children, and developing self-motivated learners. You don’t want to allow extra-curricular activities for your children outside your home to rob you of quality routine. Many of these are nothing more than indulgences that produce weak character and selfishness in your children. If your routine is not strong and you don’t feel like you are accomplishing much, then delay the extras until your children are older. All you have to do is practice a little common sense.
For instance, recognize the increased demand that outside-the-home, extra-curricular activities create. This is especially true when mom must do the chauffeuring with several other youngsters in tow! Evaluate whether your commitments are taking place at the appropriate time in your family’s life. If you do choose to provide for a child outside the home, commit to one thing that is important to you and your husband for that child, something you sense may help direct future purpose. Everything else can wait.
If you develop a stay-at-home lifestyle, you will find time for your own education. This is an exciting season for you, Beth. A season prepared for you by God. Receive it as a gift from Him. And remember to allow peace to reign in your heart and home.
The Barometer of Peace
In fact, peace must become a barometer for your activity-based decisions; a way to measure whether you ought to be doing a thing. If you tend to overwork your family for the sake of ‘making progress’ or overrun them around for the sake of ‘opportunity’ you are paying a great price in the quality of your relationships. You may lose your children’s hearts and later have to work that much harder to regain them. The spiritual atmosphere in your home will shape your children’s hearts and relationships for life. Math doesn’t shape anybody; it’s only a useful tool. Listen to the Lord for the proper timing and amount of work to require for any learning discipline. I agree that they are all-important, but again, let peace be a barometer. When life gets too big, pare back until you experience peace so you can meet your children’s true needs. Your usual tendency will be trying to do too much, so you’ll be experimenting in this process, making adjustments along the way.
Learn to recognize when you are operating out of insecurity or fear. Moms think they are suppose to be pushing their children rapidly along toward their future, when in truth they are suppose to be drawing them alongside, causing their growth along with their own. A peaceful and unhurried atmosphere in the home must become a constant to give you the needed opportunity to help your children mature.
What Is Good for You Is Good for Your Children
Real life will provide ample ‘meat’ for your family’s education. That means that if you, the parent, are in a quiet season of acquiring vision and understanding about how to proceed with something you don’t yet have understanding about, then your children too are in the same season with you. That doesn’t mean they’re reading the same materials and consciously setting a course for their young lives as you’re attempting to do. But it does mean that while you’re taking more time to read and meditate, you’re freeing your children to rest, think, and explore. Do you see that what is good for you is also good for them?
Most children never get an opportunity to really connect with themselves and learn who they are and what they would be about if they had time for something other than someone else’s expectations of them. They need to learn how to relate with their own education. A good way to begin doing that is to have the opportunity to connect with the reality of their own environment. Likewise, if you’re in a season of paring back activities to make more time for child training, it doesn’t mean that only your activities are getting evaluated for their worth. Your children’s too are coming under the microscope of examination for the fruit they are producing. Whatever God is doing in your life, He wants to do in your whole family, but He will be moving first and foremost through you.
If you don’t know yet what to do as far as lifestyle of learning activities, you can’t prematurely and artificially impose such on your children or you will blow it. You can only do what you currently know how to do, your traditional plans, and your current home-centered activities. But you can pare back your academic requirements and expectations to make room for your children to acquire more thought life, more play-time, more family interaction and enjoyment of relationships. This brings us back to what you said earlier about the things you know that need to change.
You said that you knew you were suppose to spend more time paying attention to the condition of your children’s hearts, and your own relationship with the Lord. You admitted to the need of cutting back your activities and commitments so your life could begin to make more sense. The needs you are describing have nothing at all to do with academic requirements, and yet all of them, if given the proper attention, would make possible a healthy focus on academics.
You see, the reason you work too hard for your children’s education is because you’re trying to do it all for them. They need to be taught how to do it for themselves. This is part of their equipping and character training that you don’t want to rob from them. But do you see that in order to train them in their own process of self-education you must become trained yourself? That is what this first season is all about, training you.”
Recognize Fear but Choose Faith
“Yes, I really am getting what you’re saying. I mean I’m actually understanding it in my mind and my heart is embracing it too, but...” I could see that Beth was still torn about something, and I thought I knew what it might be.
“Beth, it’s fear isn’t it?” She reluctantly agreed with a nod and so I continued,” What I want you to realize is that your family wouldn’t need restoration now if your focus had been healthy to begin with. The academic focus served to keep your family on a path that created tremendous voids in your life, your character, the character of your children, your family relationships, and especially your relationships with God—all vital elements of their real education. Negative conditions began to fill those voids. You would like to work on these areas without giving up the very activities that caused the dysfunction. You want to maintain this level of security, but it won’t work. If you want to change, you will have to eliminate from your life or in some cases minimize certain activities so you can become a healing presence to your family. The thing that produced negative conditions will not now contribute to the healing of those conditions.
You must choose what is vital for your family at this time and stick with it. Holding onto things the Lord is leading you to let go of will prevent you from developing faith and trust in Him, believing that He is who He says He is. He says in Hebrews:
‘But without faith it is impossible to please and be satisfactory to Him. For whoever would come near to God must [necessarily] believe that God exists and that He is a rewarder of those who earnestly and diligently seek Him [out].’ —Hebrews 11:6 (TAB)
If you truly believe that God will be there for you as you choose to follow Him, then you can freely let go and begin again, knowing that He is directing you. If you want to believe, but are fearful, then letting go is a starting place for developing your faith and trust in Him. Beth, God is not going to fail you. He is faithful and steadfast toward those He calls His children.
I want to remind you about something I shared in my own testimony. Remember me telling you how I laid down the school stuff so our family could rest for those eight months? During that season, I experienced something I hadn’t for a long time. Do you know what that was?”
“Well, you experienced perspective that had gotten swallowed up in a busy life.”
“Yes, and that perspective told me that I wanted to be a mother more than a teacher. I missed being my children’s mother. I missed just enjoying them.” At that, Beth’s eyes began to tear up. I knew I had struck a chord in her heart.
Healthy Relationships Facilitate Growth and Change
“You see, Beth, God already knows the truth that healthy relationships are His order. He is the one who put mothering in our hearts. We both know how different mothering is from teaching and yet as a mother, teaching is something we do a lot of. We have minimized the importance of mothering in favor of teaching because our concept of a student is skewed. All we picture is academics in limited desk-style learning. Remember at the meeting I said that Jesus called His followers disciples, which means ‘learner’ or ‘student’, and yet His definition of student must have been far different from our own because He never held a formal routine of classes. He walked along the way of life and His followers walked with Him, in relationship. I love the word ‘learn.’ I use it all the time. The focus of my daily purpose is on learning instead of teaching. This doesn’t mean I don’t teach; I do. But I too am on a path of learning with my children, a humble path. We are learning together the lessons of life as we walk in relationship with each other.
Relationship is so crucial for us to understand and yet I think we understand it very little. It is life’s most central lesson and that which makes life work the way it should, and work efficiently. There is so much more power in relationship than we realize. An intimate relationship with God changes people. And it doesn’t stop there. Change—as a subordinating truth of relationship—will occur in any human relationship whether for our good or for evil. A child’s intimate relationship with his mother will shape that child for life, shaping him in ways that nothing else ever could, shaping a foundation on which he will be able to build later on his own. Intimate relationship with his parents will prevent dreaded voids from forming in his character and values. Whenever there is a void it will eventually be filled with something. If it has not been deliberately filled with what’s truly needed, it will be filled by default with undesirable traits, values, and foolishness. Children need to walk closely with their parents, just as parents need to walk closely with their Heavenly Father.”
Beth was thoughtful for a moment, then commented, “I’m beginning to see why it’s so important to clear away unfruitful activities; to make time to develop all my relationships, beginning with my relationship with the Lord. I have little wisdom to impart to my children because I’ve not been listening to the Lord. My children don’t have a close relationship with me because I don’t have a close relationship with my Lord. Oh, God, what have I been thinking of all these years? My own children are starving for wisdom from me, but I have not been available to them in the ways they have needed.”
Gently I covered Beth’s hand with my own and encouraged her, “The Lord loves you so much, Beth. That’s why He’s getting your attention focused on these matters now. He doesn’t want to be left out of the exciting adventure of your life. He wants to be involved in the details with you.”
Letting God Be In Authority
“Tell me again what you said at the meeting about authority. I guess I never thought about it much before.”
I summarized the message I gave at the last session of the meeting, in particular the ideas about authority. I reminded her, “In coming to grips with real life, you realize more acutely your need for accountability, because you are becoming deliberately more proactive toward your own growth as well as your family’s. Exercising a greater degree of self-government causes you to recognize your need of a Father’s wisdom. So you choose to no longer walk alone in the managing of your family’s life, but learn to work together with the Lord in relationship, submitting to your Father’s authority so you can make decisions in harmony with biblical truth.”
And because Beth specifically wanted to understand the principle of authority better, I added, “A balanced exercise of authority is a two-way proposition. Your level of submission to your Father in heaven will definitely influence the quality of how you exercise authority with your children. Parents find it far too easy to ‘push and shove’, exercising ungodly control over their children simply because they can get away with it for a time when the children are small. But let me remind you that it is only for a time. As the children get older, the fruit of what has been sown will begin to blossom and come forth. It will not lie.”
Beth had been thoughtfully listening and I noticed her relax a bit against her seat. She sighed deeply and said, “I see how I’ve been very intense with my life; my poor family must be feeling that from me all the time. They need this season as much as I do. Wow, it’s just as you said that what’s good for me is also good for my children. I’m beginning to see practical application. I need to regain a sense of adventure in my life. I need to regain a sense of peace and contentment and order. How else am I ever going to get their attention? If I’m running frazzled and heavy-burdened, they won’t want to be around me. If I am to draw them alongside me, as you say, then they have to want to be with me, right?”
“That’s right, Beth. Love is the only ‘power’ that will draw others to want to walk with us. We could even say that ‘staying’ power is what we need if we want our children to walk with us all the way into adulthood. Romans 2:4 (NAS) says ‘Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance.’ That kindness and love when expressed toward our children will lead them to repent as well. It overflows from us to them. Love binds us together and keeps us together. That kind of love comes only from the Lord. It’s worth the time spent to receive from the Lord, Beth. It is never time wasted as it will go the distance with you through life’s challenges.”
I asked Beth if she had picked up a copy of the book list for the suggested reading during each of the seven seasons. She missed it so I told her I’d stick one in the mail to her the following day.
We continued our visit as we left the restaurant and slowly headed toward our cars. I asked Beth questions about her family life so I could get to know her better. How sweet she was as she spoke of her husband and the mutual dreams they shared for their family that now included six precious children.
I wanted to be sure she felt focused as she returned home so, as we sat in Beth’s car for a few more minutes before going our separate ways, I reviewed with her the main ideas we discussed from the notes I jotted down for her to take home.
Main Ideas for Renewing the Mind
Think of the family's building process as a metaphor for personal transformation.
Primary focus of this season is to engage in a lifestyle of self-education through individual scholarship and individual discipleship.
A new experience of education is needed that proceeds from becoming self-taught.
Increasing exposure to new ideas (which begins the process of self-education), shapes convictions, and in turn, convictions shape actions.
Healthy relationships facilitate positive growth and change.
What is good for you is good for your children.
Additionally, I gave Beth specific actions toward self-education to consider taking while in the first season. I reminded her that in taking these actions she would be developing in the wisdom of God’s principles, specifically those of authority, relationship, and self-government and all the lessons they had to offer.
Suggested Activities toward Self-Education
Develop personal reading program.
Collect notes from your reading and meditations for later use in the next season when you'll be developing your personal and family vision.
Re-read The Science, Art, and Tools of Learning and Walk by the Spirit in Your Homeschool Decisions.
Review the list of suggested activities for each season to prepare your heart for the work that needs to be done in the coming year.
Review the list of suggestions given at the meeting for positive actions to begin taking toward your children and begin practicing them on a daily basis
Practice working with the Lord in relationship.
Submit decisions to the test of peace in your heart.
Suggested Order for Implementing Routine Disciplines
Develop a habit of awaking before your children. Learn to take care of personal business first.
Establish a meal planning routine.
Organize household.
Establish routine chores.
Establish routine errands.
Add a routine family reading-aloud time.
Plan afternoon free-time activities.
Finally, when all the above is up and running somewhat smoothly, plan and establish a minimum table-time routine for your mornings.
Beth was understanding how it fit together. She said, “I’m seeing that I’ll be continuing in these routines no matter what my primary focus for change is. For those areas I have yet to read up on, I just continue doing things the way I always have, unless the Lord gives me revelation of course. But I’ll still keep things pared back enough so it all fits, giving me time for my reading program, and more focus on my children’s true needs.”
“Yes, you want to avoid slipping back into a mode of intensity and stress. Just remember to let peace in your soul be your barometer.”
I reached over and placed my hand on Beth’s and said, “Beth, take time to dream about what you really want for your family; what you want your family to look like ten years from now, and even twenty years from now. Follow my suggestions with the understanding that they are only a basic road map to get you started. Remain open to hear from the Lord for specific directions He’ll want to give you for this season. He’ll be speaking to you. Listen to His voice and follow Him.”
I could see Beth begin to struggle again as she shifted in her seat. She said, “Well, that’s another thing. I don’t know that I know His voice very well. Oh, I understand conviction as it pertains to morality, but yielding the will in other areas of life and letting Jesus become Lord is new territory for me.”
“I know it seems vague at first, but it’s only because there are so many voices speaking to you just now. Once you begin to yield your own ways to the Lord you will become more familiar with His voice.”
We made plans to get together in a couple of weeks to see how she was coming along. And since she was struggling in this area, we would be discussing the dynamics of becoming Spirit-led. And I sensed we’d be starting at the beginning, by learning to recognize the conscience through lessons in self-government. We prayed together and both of us had a strong sense of God’s presence in this budding relationship. Thank you, Lord.
Be grateful and encouraged!
© Copyright 2003, by Marilyn HowshallAll Rights Reserved
Note: Now you’re ready to examine the Catalog Product Descriptions to learn more about the additional messages I’ve prepared for you to read as you continue to embrace your own self-education .
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